*This post was started a few days ago and finished today; hence some of the disjunct thoughts*
I thought the break up was hard, and it certainly was. I’m thinking now that the recovery from all of this is much harder than the actual break up.
Over all, I’ve been quite busy. Not because I’ve kept myself busy but because life is really busy this time of year. When you’re busy, you have no time for all the emotions that hold you back from progress. Wait, I take that back. If you handle life one thing at a time, all emotions can be a part of progress. I guess I’ve been so wrapped up in my work and the immediate issues that the bigger things have been put on a back burner.
Now it’s getting to be about time to face them. I’m still hurting. My friends are wonderful but they have their own lives and have been very gracious to share their lives and families with me. My family has been wonderful with everything they’ve done to support everything I do. I’m enjoying spending all this time with them but don’t want to bother them with this still nagging feeling I have that things just aren’t right.
Today, I went to get a haircut. It’s been a few months since I’ve been and my hair stylist has become a wonderful friend over the time I’ve been going to her! We’re able to talk about so many things and she has a pretty good hold of who I am, even if we only see each other every so often. She is Japanese and has kids my age so I guess that helps. When I stopped by last week to make the appointment, she made the usual chit-chat with me and asked how my boyfriend was doing. Of course, I told her we had broken up, he had called me fat (the usual *gasp*) and that was it. We were through. Today, she wanted to know what had happened. From what I had said in the past to her, we were so happy and things seemed to be going so well. And I don’t think I was lying to her when I had told her those things. So, I went through and told her about how we had all of a sudden grown apart and it wasn’t working and she started telling me about how people aren’t always what they seem and it’s good that I had gotten to know him better before we fell in love. This is where the tears started (and even now as I write this). I had fallen in love with him from the get go. He didn’t seem like any of the other guys I’d dated before. He was kind and generous and loving. How could I not fall in love with that? And it didn’t work out. And really, I’m not sure why not. Yet, I feel heart broken and betrayed. There wasn’t another woman in his life yet I felt betrayed. I think that hurts more than being cheated on with another woman. How could I have not seen beyond this exterior?
I’m 32 years old. I guess some of this is my biological clock ticking. For a long time, I used to say that I didn’t want to have any kids. I taught enough of them, why did I want any of my own? I’m not sure of the answer to the “why” question but I think I do want kids of my own now. But it’s not just the kids. It’s the family I long for. I guess that’s why I’m a teacher. And not only a teacher but a band director. We very much have a family like atmosphere with the band kids and their families. It’s wonderful! But not enough for the long haul.
Then I think, “Would I want kids with him, now that I’ve seen this other side?” No. I don’t want anything to do with that person. I was saying today that I have no idea who the real person is. Is it the 35 year old man I met that I fell in love with? Or is it the 22 year old selfish frat boy that I broke up with? Some have said that maybe this is a phase (the 22 year old frat boy) and once college is done for good, this will pass. Am I willing to wait for that risk? I don’t think so.
I guess I’m looking for closure. Like everything else in life, this too will come when the time is right. Until then, I guess this pain and heartache will continue until it finally dulls out. That just sucks.