Category: Funnies

It used to be that “I don’t run unless I’m being chased” but now, I think I’ll say:

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
– Joan Rivers

…but no Hoff! 😮

Knight Rider Rides Again

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

“I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.”

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 POUNDS!

“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?”

The Irishman nodded…”I’ll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t’aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.”

“From the hunger, you mean?”

“No, from the f’ing skippin”

9 WORDS WOMEN USE

1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!
5. Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6. That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you’re welcome.
8. Whatever: Is a woman’s way of saying F#%@ YOU!
9. Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking “What’s wrong?” For the woman’s response, refer to #3.

Thanks to Connie for this! I could see this method also help lower the number of men afraid of flying as well.

HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell — They don’t even serve food anymore, so what’s the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a “party atmosphere” going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn’t need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and “special services.”

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right — a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn’t Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton