Benford's Musings

I’m not quite at this state of holiday stress yet but I have to admit, I’m feeling just a tad of it. I just wrote this little song ’cause I thought the lyrics were funny… Enjoy!

The ho-lidays are here be-fore us
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Stress and an-ger and frus-trations
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Go-ing six mi-llion di-rections
Fa la la, la la la, la la la
Screw it, just poor me a stiff one!
Fa la la la la, la la la la

Have I ever mentioned I am British??? My uncle sent this to us. LOL

To the citizens of the United States of America

In the light of your recent failure to elect a reasonable President and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today…

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new Prime Minister (Tony Blair for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid to the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminum”. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary”. Using the same 27 words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and ineffective form of communication. Look up “interspersed”.

There is no such thing as “U.S. English”. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

You should learn to distinguish between English and Australian accents. It really isn’t that hard.

Hollywood will be required to occasionally cast English actors as the good guys.

You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen, but only after carrying out task one. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

You will no longer be allowed to play American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as “football” is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American football. Instead you should play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every 20 seconds or wearing full body armour like nancies).

You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. (Merde is French for “sh*t”.) The fourth of July is no longer a public holiday. The 3rd of November will be a new national holiday, but only in Britain. It will be called “Stupidity Day”.

All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German Cars, you will understand what we mean.

Please tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your co-operation.